An email from a boyfriend to me (2010):
You said that some days I try to tear you down and some days I'm really supportive. You said that I'm always looking for you to fail. The fact of the matter is we don't belong together. Nobody I know would have given you a chance, or if they had they would have used and abused you. I work really hard to build up your entire values system from scratch and try to share with you how I see an incredible relationship works. Not just an average relationship, but an absolutely incredible one. Very few women ever get the opportunity to be with a guy who will do so much for them or work so hard for them and love children and be capable of committing to them and avoiding strip clubs and other stuff like that. You are in a position many women would kill for. And you came into it with an incredible amount of baggage and with a history of making horrible and destructive decisions. You have one of the worst records with guys. I'm not looking for you to fail, or hoping you will fail. I want to succeed with you. But the fact of the matter is my risk analysis came up RED! I'm putting myself in an incredibly vulnerable position with someone who's history tells me they will fail epically. But I'm putting my heart under a guillotine anyway. Don't you think it would make sense to react strongly to signs that the blade was going to fall?
It really hurt when you got mad at me for being frustrated with having to raise you. You are like a child in so many ways and I am the father you never had in a lot of ways. That's not how a relationship is supposed to be. I felt horribly taken for granted so I explained to you in no uncertain terms why it is that I feel hurt on a daily basis and why I see you did not prepare for this relationship. It's like I have built up a relationship dowry of millions of dollars and all you have an IOU. That sucks. But I work really hard to make it work. To try to see just the good in you that I know is there and become numb to the past. I am not an emotional person but in 30 minutes last night you completely turned my emotions upside down.
You dug your way into a dirty fucking little cave of pain and disgusting things and I am the only person who ever tried to help you. And last night you got mad at me for being frustrated about the fact that my woman was in that cave in the first place. But I stay! I stay here with you and hold your hand. I want to leave all of that behind and show you how happy and great the rest of the world is. I want you to bury your head in my arms and we will leave the place you made. I know what you have done. I know things about you nobody else does and I know how disgusting and horrible your life has been. I always wanted a virgin and a happy shiny life. But I won't leave you and I want you and I want you to be happy. It sucks not just being taken for granted but being attacked for having an emotional response to doing what I do for you. I don't get anything out of this. You don't pay me. I have never asked you for anything. I've never used you for anything I just give to you endlessly. I give you time and caring and love and all those things you have never done anything to earn.
I hate saying that. I hate that it is the way that it is. I wanted a perfect happy little relationship but I can't have that with you. I have worked so hard to do the right thing. And last night I felt like you were attacking me for that. That sucks. But I won't give up. I won't leave. Not without you. I want you and I want to have a fantastic relationship with you and I have prepared for it and I work hard for it every day.
Ms. Bhakti Mary
I am an optimistic, positive, generous and driven woman who is passionate about self-improvement.
The essence of who you are does not lie in the past. What matters is what you are willing to do NOW. You are the presence.